Understand the patterns of how we love, connect, and feel safe
At The Relationship Centre, we know that the way you connect with others—especially in close relationships is shaped by the emotional bonds formed in early life/ childhood. These patterns, known as attachment styles, are like internal blueprints that influence how we show up in romantic relationships, how we seek or avoid closeness and intimacy, and how we respond when connection feels uncertain or threatened.
Understanding your attachment style can offer powerful insight into your relationship patterns, communication style, and even the conflicts that seem to repeat themselves. With support and increased self-awareness, it’s possible to shift these patterns and build stronger, more secure relationships and attachment styles, starting with the one you have with yourself.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment theory describes four main styles of relating: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. These styles are shaped in our childhood with our parents and/or caregivers and are often carried forward into adulthood usually without us even realizing it. As we get older it is our responsibility to get to know ourselves on a deeper level and uncover the unconscious wounds we keep replaying that can be affecting how we show up for ourselves, our lives, and our relationships.
Secure Attachment
People with secure attachment tend to feel at ease with emotional closeness. They are able to trust others, communicate their needs, and maintain a healthy balance of independence and intimacy. This style often stems from childhood experiences where caregivers were consistently available, empathetic, and supportive.
In relationships, secure individuals are comfortable being vulnerable and resilient when things go wrong. They’re more likely to approach conflict calmly, offer emotional reassurance, and believe that relationships can be a safe place to land.
Anxious Attachment
Anxiously attached individuals often grew up with caregivers who were inconsistent—sometimes nurturing, other times emotionally unavailable. As a result, they may fear abandonment and feel a constant need for reassurance. They tend to be highly sensitive to changes in their partner’s mood or behaviours and may interpret even small signs of distance as rejection.
In relationships, this attachment style can lead to intense worry, clinginess, and a tendency to over-function emotionally leading to nervous system dysregulation. While anxiously attached individuals crave deep connection, the fear of being too much—or not enough—can create friction, even in loving partnerships.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment often develops in response to caregivers who were emotionally distant, dismissive, or unavailable. Over time, a child learns to suppress emotional needs and rely only on themselves. This pattern often continues into adulthood.
People with avoidant attachment may keep partners at a distance, struggle with expressing emotions, or downplay the importance of close relationships altogether. They may feel safest when they have control over their space and avoid vulnerability—even when they care deeply. This can lead to difficulty building and maintaining intimate partnerships. They may even shut down in arguments and lead with silent treatment as a way to avoid conflict and distance themselves.
Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized attachment typically stems from early experiences that were frightening, chaotic, or traumatic. It’s a confusing mix of both craving connection and fearing it. Individuals with this style often struggle to feel safe in close relationships.
In adulthood, this can show up as unpredictability in relationships—wanting closeness one moment and pushing a partner away the next. Trust may be hard to establish, and emotional ups and downs can be intense. At the root of this style is a longing for connection, often buried beneath layers of fear, self-doubt, or shame.
How Attachment Styles Affect Adult Relationships
Attachment styles shape how we give and receive love, how we manage conflict, and what we expect from our partners. They influence how safe we feel being vulnerable, how we cope with distance, and how we interpret our partner’s actions.
When two people bring different attachment styles into a relationship—especially anxious and avoidant—it can create a painful cycle of pursuit and withdrawal. One partner may feel constantly rejected, while the other feels overwhelmed and emotionally smothered. Without awareness and tools to navigate these dynamics, couples can find themselves stuck in repetitive conflicts, feeling disconnected and unseen.
Even when both partners want the relationship to work, attachment wounds can get in the way. That’s where therapy can make a meaningful difference.
The Role of Therapy in Addressing Attachment Issues
Therapy can play a key role in understanding and reshaping attachment styles. It creates a safe, non-judgmental space to explore where your patterns come from and how they impact your life and relationships.
Through individual therapy, you can begin to identify your attachment style, uncover the emotional needs beneath your behaviours, and develop healthier ways of communicating, relating, and soothing yourself. It’s a space to unlearn the belief that love is conditional or unsafe—and to begin building a stronger, more secure relationship with yourself.
Couples therapy takes this work further by helping both partners better understand each other’s emotional worlds. Rather than getting stuck in blame or defensiveness, couples can begin to explore the underlying fears, needs, and longings that drive their patterns so they can learn to respond to each other in new ways that upkeep their emotional safety, connection, and mutual support.
Therapy helps couples shift from reacting out of fear to responding with compassion. You learn how to repair after conflict, express needs without shame, and co-create a relationship that feels emotionally safe and deeply connected. For many couples, this work can transform not only how they relate to each other but how they see themselves increasing their self-worth and calming their nervous system.
You Don’t Have to Repeat the Same Patterns
Understanding your attachment style is not about blame—it’s about awareness. And with awareness comes choice.
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why you keep ending up in the same kind of relationship, why intimacy feels so difficult, or why conflict always spirals into disconnection, know that you’re not alone—and that healing is possible.
At The Relationship Centre, we offer both individual and couples therapy to support you in exploring your attachment style, breaking out of painful patterns, and building more secure, fulfilling connections.
